one wonders two can make it
how could you take your two hands and wrap them around my neck?
I really want to ask you why. Although I don’t know if you’d be truthful to either one of us. I need to know why you wanted to do that to me. Why you did do that to me? An apology may read, “I am sorry I put my hands on you.” But we both know your hands were wrapped with frustration around my neck, shaking the entirety of my body. No goodbye, I actually don’t think you even looked me in my eyes. You closed the door on this, then I received an I am sorry “I put my hands on you.”
I didn’t process what happened during or immediately after. I sat there, in the same spot on the left side of the couch, the spot that you left me in, coming to the understanding that I had just lost my best friend. And then I received the note titled “I’m sorry,” which filled me with a type of sadness I didn’t know I could feel.
Rereading this line, now in the bath, it all came back. My mind was racing, trying to understand the reality of what I experienced, how I was feeling, and how I am changed. But what changed?
I asked you, and you wanted to. You didn’t want to stop. I replay that often. Me looking into your eyes. And you wanting to hurt me as badly as you were hurting.
It was shocking. The initial shove. I couldn’t understand. I didn’t want to understand. I still don’t understand.
You got somewhat exactly what you said you wanted, there is no coming back from this.
I hope a certain guilt consumes you. You did it. I got it. And that’s a pain I have that I don’t want you to understand. Given to me by the person I loved and trusted the most. I was to protect you; you were supposed to protect me. You looked me in my eyes and told me you wanted to hurt me. You wanted to scare me. Trust is oftentimes a hard thing to build back up, especially within a relationship. How do I rebuild a feeling of safety, not even with you or anyone else, but with myself?
You’ve done something that I will carry. Your actions I will carry with me. Your words I will carry with me. The emotions I saw in your eyes I do and will carry with me. I saw the fear, frustration, and anger. I understood it. But through it all, I couldn’t bear the thought of doing it back.
A violating betrayal.
All I wanted was for you to stop. I needed you to want to stop. I asked you. My words, fighting through tears, before begging, should’ve been enough. You were determined.
You chose to stop. You freed me from your grip. You got to decide that this was done.
But am I really free if I have your two hands wrapped around my neck? You have been gone now, quite some time. Your hands are something I do and don’t want to forget.
You decided. Then walked away. You got to walk
away, a door slam, and no goodbye. I got something I will carry for a long time. In the space that’s supposed to be mine.
I do wonder what you have to process. I wonder if you are processing it how I imagine. There is a sadness weighing me down along with being heavy and sore. The sadness from the loss of you as my person, but also the person whose capabilities I saw, success in me, you, and us, is what I saw. What was impenetrable between us, turned into an horrendous act I at this point, could not stop. Not with power, strength, will, or words.
I hope you know how badly what you did is unacceptable.
I really hope that scares you. I really hope that what you did scares you more than you ever wanted to scare me.
I saw everything I needed in your eyes. I asked for answers and got the confirmation that I needed. We talked often about malicious intent, and in this moment, I did and did not feel it. Conflicting feelings from conflicting actions imposed by a lover.
I want you to know how you made me feel, since you wanted me to feel, and you wanted it so bad. If guilt does not consume you now, I hope one day you read this. Or maybe one day you will see something that triggers the thought of this event, and you will understand the shock and disappointment I felt when reading the first line of the presumed note, “I’m sorry.”
